Dealing with the death I dreams I didn’t know how to have,
Watching the crying of tears you taught me how to shed,
Sitting at the edge of things,
and knowing I am here,
wishing that somehow I understood,
quite how to say and do, and only connect, right here,
right then, that moment when I pushed it all away,
and wondering how I managed to do that,
when I never knew it was there anyway.
This was that moment the,
When I fell in love with you,
This was that moment then,
When I took your arm and could not speak,
and still I cannot speak,
and as I stood there watching,
as I ever will,
I saw him bend and kiss your hand,
still I did not understand,
and looked then at that light,
that I could suddenly see,
which was never meant for me,
but taken as far as we ever could,
still I did not see,
perhaps I never will,
This was that moment then,
when time for me stood still,
and I fell in love with you,
and time bent close,
and I could not speak,
as I saw him kiss you hand,
still, there are things I never knew,
and here we are,
two years hence,
and we sit in quiet comfort still,
I found the words to say to you,
but these are not the words I spoke,
and you would not hear them now, besides,
it is too late,
my dreams have died, and yet I dream them still.
Standing here and watching you,
seeing him kiss your hand,
still I cannot understand,
and perhaps I never will.
Real Life
Allowing my real life to wander into my fiction, I’m raising money for Marie Curie Cancer Care by being sponsored to shave my head: please give, this charity is responsible for a great deal of the hospice care given to cancer patients in this country and every penny is worthwhile.
It’s that moment again,
When I realise that I, am so in love with you,
and that second after,
when I remember that you, are less in love with me,
than when we first held each other,
and met our lips, for the first time.
It’s that moment again,
when I look at you and I remember,
I promised myself to keep this inside,
and failed, and lied, only a little to myself,
and never to you,
I wish it was that moment again,
when I thought you loved me too,
but that’s gone forever,
when I denied you for reasons of ethics,
and ignored my soul,
how can I live here, in this moment,
how can I be here again?
But I am, and I’m whole as I can be,
with this growing ache,
could be worse, nothing broken, not yet anyway.
You didn’t mean it, reacting on intinct,
and I hadn’t thought…which makes it
no one’s fault, as usual.
Another tripping part of life which teaches,
as ever,
sometimes things are no ones fault
and yet they still manage to spoil
a simple holding hug,
I am stiff as you touch me,
I can feel myself, holding myself,
and urge myself to yield, to hug back,
instead I pull away within myself.
But it was no ones fault,
I know you didn’t mean it,
didn’t mean the few seconds of life,
which was all it was,
and the rational voice goes on,
I pull away even so.
I know you didn’t mean it,
but my body is reacting on instinct,
like yours did.
And the truth came back into my life,
riding on the back of little lies.
Just when the words knocked all the breath from me,
a single kiss was all it took to set me free,
from my wants to be something I’m not,
from all desires that make me singled out,
lost, alone, stranded in a place I’ve never known.
A single kiss returned the lies to me,
and I’m stood here then, and set free,
walking from one to one, unknown,
and alone without ever being alone,
the truth came back to me in lies,
and what sealed it was the teasing in your eyes,
and the knowing of just exactly what we are,
and seeing your face in ecstasy even as you bare the scars,
that are our lot in life,
we who do not walk, noiselessly and silent to the door,
in anger at what we will not comprehend.
So look at me once more and take my hand,
do not leave now that we have become friends.
These are the words that tore away all feeling,
and those are the words that gently broke my heart,
and these are the times I wonder if you’re reeling,
or if you noticed in time right at the start,
I know for example her eyes were open,
and mine were sewn tightly, tightly shut,
the needle in my hand dripping only slightly from the blood.
Too hard I clung to cause and to effect, and genuine timelines,
too soft I clung to you.
These are the words, there on the page,
the echoing fades into the distance,
never quite leaving, growing louder and softer turn by turn.
All human life is here, still the valley continues it’s echoes,
I wonder where did this all start?
In a single line which I wrote to you,
In a moment my eyes met thine?
How did she echo my thoughts so precisely?
And how did I echo hers imperfectly in mine?
Out of place, out of time,
You know exactly where to touch,
And nothing could ever be that bad.
Or are we simply clinging past,
all that we should have had,
some human hope,
to say, we can have more,
is it something marvellous?
A triumph of human will.
Or is it only sad that we cannot see what is?
Out of place and out of time,
and I am humbled by none,
Still we refuse.
Arrogant to the last,
Still we will not choose.
The softest kisses on the edge of my hair,
The tenderest touch that was ever there,
and I am enfolded within your arms,
and I am held safe and so warm,
Kisses soft as rain,
Your lips brush my skin, again and again,
and this place is like no other,
I am here, wanted and aware,
of only your name and your kisses in my hair.
luvlymish
Mish's Quick Kisses 