The Dress

10 September, 2011 at 14:01 (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

She kept tugging on her sleeve, hours after they had passed the shop-window.

“Please Mummy, please Mummy.”

Ella could feel the exasperation rising. Debbie had learned the word please only recently and seemed to think it was the magic word that unlocked everydoor. This wasn’t helped by Phil asking her everytime a ‘please’ was wanted – ‘What’s the magic word?’ Ella had grown more frustrated with that phrase as Debbie had grown more convinced of it’s literal truth.

“Please Mummy, please Mummy.”

Part of her wanted to turn around and shout at the pleading face. She wanted to shout ‘No! No Debbie, you can’t have it. It’s a dumb dress that you’re going to grow out of in months and it’s far too expensive what what it is. You can’t have it because I don’t want you to have it. You’re a horrible, whining little girl who doesn’t deserve a pretty sparkly dress. Now shut the fuck up and let Mummy pretend she doesn’t have a horrible whining child to satisfy all the fucking time.’
Part of her wanted to slap the child across the face. As she held Debbie’s hand waiting to cross the road she imagined accidentally-on-purpose tripping, sending the tiny girl sprawling across the path of the oncoming traffic. She imagined the tears she’d have to force to her eyes by digging her nails into her thighs and the sobbing way she would say ‘My baby’. She dragged Debbie hard across the road and looked, guiltily, into the eyes of a policewoman coming the other way.


“Isn’t it a bit expensive?” asked Phil, later on that evening.

Debbie spun around and around in front of him, delighted with her new dress.

Ella pasted a smile across her face.
“Anything for my little girl,” she said.

“I love you Mummy,” said Debbie, her joy evident in her eyes.


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29 August, 2011 at 17:57 (Uncategorized)

That’s the point,
Real is only ever real,
in those moments
between the lights,
as you dance,
and I dance,
and we dance,
unable, to look away.

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No Swamp

29 August, 2011 at 17:36 (Uncategorized)

The swamp is dark, green and hot,
a flatland upon which I am free,
dank, misted fens that surround
below the sky, crows circling me
Sound your words, clear mountain streams,
Take me to your forested hills,
an afternoon of hillside dreams,
Let us not speak of them.
Just an afternoon without swamps,
without dreams,
you and me, under the sky,
let us just be free.

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29 August, 2011 at 17:30 (Uncategorized)

I love you with a thousand darkened clouds,
The blackness of the thunder tearing the sky apart
and splitting the world with their lightening flashes
I love you with a thousand fires
each burning hotter than the last
and every coal breaking apart in white-hot, red-hot ash.
I love you with a thousand tears
and each bids me to keep silent
Each rolls over my lids with warm and salted love,
and seals my solitude.

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24 August, 2011 at 17:12 (Uncategorized) ()

Christopher and Alice,
Around each other curled,
Discussing in some detail,
Their own little world.

Alice and Christopher,
Forever and ever will be,
Curled up on a sofa,
Arm to arm and knee to knee.

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8 August, 2011 at 16:46 (Uncategorized)

There is a picture in my attic,
Drawn, because, that’s what I do,
When I’m lost and alone and…
…that’s what I do,
whenever I got lost, I drew,
You…me…five by five
Myself in the attic, forever alive,
Bound by you, across the mouth,
Every musing, every word,
Silenced, heading south,
You rendered me unable to speak
And I know what lies you told
I want to tear this gag off
I want to speak in solid gold
a conversation
over dinner we bought ourselves
tears that you made us shed
is the only thing
that stops me
A gag drawn across my mouth.

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4 August, 2011 at 16:25 (Uncategorized)

Please turn around, please stop the words,
Please come here and kiss me and make it ok.
But you’re busy with too much to do
and you cannot hear my silent plea.
So eventually, I take my leave,
and run to your boyfriend,
who takes me up on my verbalised request,
for him to hold me, stroke my hair, make it ok.
But I am selfish in my needs,
and wound without thought of anyone’s grief
but my own.

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The First Night

2 July, 2011 at 13:25 (Uncategorized)

This was the first night I lost you,
and saw you step from me,
my mind and your mind, for once not in sync,
the first night that you left me.
You no longer hold me all night long,
Your arms don’t always feel forever-strong.
This was the first night I lost you,
To say I am sad does not really express
how it feels to know it’s not the last.

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12 June, 2011 at 00:22 (Uncategorized)

I am drowning, screaming, crying,
all the noise inside is building
your voice, like water,
is that oasis of calm
and the storm subsides.
The swamp and sludge of it around me
sinks and piles in upon my skin
until I feel that I must fall
beneath it’s hideous weight
your voice
in the sunlight
stops the sludge from building,
me from sinking
I can handle anything
with you.

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12 June, 2011 at 00:08 (Uncategorized)

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