A Single Moment

23 June, 2006 at 18:22 (Uncategorized) (, , )

Sometimes I think I won’t be here for much longer, I really think that any day might be my last, thats why my life gets so crazy I guess.

You had your plans and I had mine, and they didn’t coincide.

We knew that then, thats why it never went any further than it did, I was destined to be here and you were destined to be there with her. I wonder if you think of me sometimes, think of what could never have been.

Today is finally the day. The day when all of the craziness stops, and you moved years ago, I don’t know where but I know just as certainly what you’re doing as you do what I am. I suppose after today I will know better – but will it be me? All the energy packed in to a single life getting stretched out into eternity…will that still be me?

And you with your kids, is it three or four now? Or have you gone for the new government bonds and had more? I heard that out in the new worlds they’re encouraging beta couples to have more than five or six. Maybe you’ve moved out there with your wife. Except that no, I remember now, you had a fear of take-off, even planes freaked you out.

Mostly I suppose, I don’t remember you, I remember our solitary afternoon together. Completely irregular and contrary to all the rules I suppose if we’d been found out then you’d be in some squalid gamma factory by now with no kids in sight and I’d definately be out of the program. I don’t know if I’d have been put all the way back to gamma, could they really have wasted my resources for the sake of punishment? I wonder if it might have been a persona-wipe…that seems awfully harsh for messing around with a pre-beta. But then you were messing around with a pre-cybe…

I never realised how much of a risk it was for you. I never really thought of how much you were gambling, but you never kicked me out when I turn up at the entrance to your dorm, I knew you wanted me there.

I suppose if you do think of what might have been then you realise that they only way we could have ended up together was both being upgraded to the cyber-program and you’re too attached to bodyli…sorry ‘real life’ you termed it. I could never have become a gamma for you, even a beta I’d have done something stupid. The notion of it all, that breeding…sends shivers through me.

I’ve tried to see all I can since we parted, it’s not just prepping for today and ever after, I wanted to do all the bodylife….’real life’ stuff before I go cyber. I know a lot of pre-cybes drop out at this stage because they’re attached to food or breeding or something but I said goodbye to all that after our afternoon was over. I’ve been running around this planet, fitting everything in, because it makes me think of you. All this bodylife.

We could have tried for alpha I suppose. I heard alphas breed for fun and they are allowed to succeed sometimes too, so it’s not as pointless as a gamma doing it. You wouldn’t have liked the politics though and I don’t think that there would have been enough of them for me.

They call me the pure-pre up here you know. The technicians prepareing my port were really surprised when they did the exam, they’ve been asking me if I want them to organise an epsilon, some male injected with steroids who knows all the moves. I said no, of course, after you theres no one.

Is touching her the same as it was when we were together or is it different when you’re doing it for the government? I remember the feeling of your lips on mine, I’m going to upload that into the port somehow, it’s the only bit of bodylife I need to remember somehow. I suppose it will be different encoded. I remember the way your hand reached out to touch my skin and the instant you pulled away, as if scalded, when you remembered I was pre-cybe and you pre-beta.

But I suppose with you being a beta now you don’t think about my favourite part of our afternoon. Now I’m being a snobby cybe aren’t I? I know you’re not like they make betas out to be, all little breeders happy to play in the muck of bodylife. We both felt the linking. I never realised someone who wasn’t pre-cybe could do that.

And we looked into each other and there was no one else around and we said goodbye. I’m going to remember that for the cybernity I’ll have your eyes in my memory banks.

Its weird I live as though each day will be my last when I know once I’m in the port I’m effectively immortal, I mean I know the body melts off into the liquid surrounding the computer but all the studies show that the energy powering the supernet continues indefinitely. My soul in cybernity with your eyes.

I know that despite what all the cybes say about betas that that means something to you. I can’t wait to spend my cybernity in that moment, that afternoon when we said goodbye.


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This one isn’t mine

21 June, 2006 at 07:57 (Uncategorized)

but I do rather like it. 🙂

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name: luvlymish
Your haiku: on earth for longer
than one life can imagine
and they have seen all
Created by Grahame

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19 June, 2006 at 23:03 (Uncategorized) (, , )

Feeling kind of sick.

I don’t know how to handle this;
I’ve been here from the beginning,
All the time. Right here.
Feeling kind of sick;
From the first person who made me fight,
To the one who did again last night.

Made me?
Made me?
Did I ever resist?
I never resisted, from that first heated word,
That first spark of emotion…

It was yours,
It was yours,
It was yours,
I swear it was yours, not mine.

I thought it was yours, not mine.

I could be wrong,
I have been wrong before,
I will be again.
I could be wrong.

I swear it was yours…

Your passion released.
Anything for passion, I’d do anything for passion.

You disagree; the first didn’t,
He used to smile with his heated words.

But arguments are not much fun now.

And I have a suspicion, that sneaks in the night,
I cause the fight.
Have always caused the fight.
From the first;
There is something in me,
And it bleeds where there are sharks,

Quite deliberately.

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11 June, 2006 at 15:48 (Uncategorized) ()

Nothing forever and nothing,
All we have now we have made.
Nothing forever and nothing,
Without it we are what we say,
There was a girl who wrote,
That morality lay in intention not deed,
Forever with the self-quoting,
Of course I’m refering to me.
Nothing forever and nothing,
All we have now we have made.
Without it the web is unspun,
Without it the web is me,
And me
And me
And me
And frankly existing without,
Is very much nicer to see.

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Speaking Freely

6 June, 2006 at 15:24 (Uncategorized) (, )

Let me speak! Let me speak!
You can speak for yourself,
Listen to me…
Oh now thats up to us,
Speak if you must till your river runs dry,
But don’t make us listen to your ravings.

Let me speak!
This is real! This is true! This is now!

So prove it.
Thats up to you you know,
Speak if you must till you have no more to say,
But don’t say empty words that you don’t mean.

Let me speak! Let me speak!
Why don’t you understand?!

Calm yourself,
I won’t belittle you as others might,
Shout until your voice is gone,
But we don’t have to calm you you know.

Let me speak!
I thought you listened but you’ve ignored me…

Well we knew that you were wrong.
But you didn’t listen,
We knew we didn’t have to, it was the same old thing as always,
No…it was new…and now it’s gone.

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